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How could I think I could snap back into a less embarrassing position of dating men half my age and loving it?
On Happn, a dating/sex app that shows you who crosses your path, I find that my entire neighbourhood is filled with freaks. I never expected danger here. One man sends me porn which, under normal circumstances I wouldn’t find shocking. When it arrives on my phone, I want to be sick because I’m not here for kink, for dress-up, fantasy-play or naughty thrills. I’m here to get my life back – and for me, that means, specifically, my sexual confidence. Even if my vagina doesn’t want to play ball the way it used to, I must find a way to have sex until death. It’s that important to me. It’s not worth living without that surge of desire.
But I know that this isn’t really about sex. This is about reclamation. I am fighting off the death that menopause automatically brings. I refuse to be subsumed into its shadow.
Post-menopause, I’ve had a sex life that I didn’t have in my 20s. I’ve had men who wouldn’t have looked at me twice back then. But despite the enormous pleasure I’ve had, it is only when I begin to fall for one of them that I realise how limited my time is. The weirdos, the beauties and the lonely, lonely men cannot remain the point of my life. I have no idea where this endless parade of unimaginable pleasure will take me. But I have to find out, as every woman does.